Creeds ‘R Us

Update June 9, 2022: This post was originally published August 16, 2021 and the contents were sent to members of the Adult Ed class as an email. It caused a bit of a stir. One person told me I was belittling people’s deeply held spiritual beliefs. I just thought it was funny. (Still do). You be the judge. I won’t be offended if you concur that it is insulting or that it’s not all that funny.

We are studying creeds in the weekly Adult Sunday School class at the Lutheran Church of Honolulu. Last week, I made an offhand comment that it’s not difficult to write creeds. Rather, the problem is getting others to go along with it. This was met with howls of derision and scorn. One person challenged me to come up with five creeds.

Challenge accepted.

1. The Heretics Creed

We believe in some version of “God”. It’s full nature is a mystery. For example:

“God” could be eternal and the creator of the universe. Or not.

“God” is omnipotent, omniscient, and a loving god whose love encompasses and enfolds the universe. This includes all human sentient and non-sentient beings.

“God” might actually be three separate gods coexisting as one. We refer to this as the “Triune God” or the “Godhead”. You might think this is hard to do. But it’s not, if you’re a god.

We also believe in Jesus. He might be the best, most badass human that ever lived. Or a myth. Or both. He might also be part of the “Godhead”, which makes him both human AND god. You might think this is hard to do. But it’s not, if you’re a god. 

Finally, We believe in the Holy Spirit who is the divine WiFi chip implanted in everything, connecting all with “God”. (Or the “Godhead”. Take your pick). 

Also, we may not believe in the Triune God. Interesting concept, though.

Amen.

2. The Mindfulness Creed

The congregation sits silently for 15 minutes and thinks only of the present moment. Levitation is allowed if the Holy Spirit moves you to do so.

3. The No-Creed

…

4. The Spontaneous Testimony Creed

In this creed, congregants shout out anything they happen to believe about anything at all. For example, someone might proclaim “I believe Michigan will some day beat Ohio State” or “I believe Tom Brady does not deflate footballs”.

IMPORTANT: Congregants are reminded to be respectful of all beliefs, no matter how far-fetched.

EDIT: On November 21, 2021, Michigan finally beat Ohio State 42-27.

5. The Apollo Creed

This creed has two versions.

For Advent: The congregation intones the chant “Rocky, Rocky, Rocky…” at first quietly, then building to a thunderous exclamation and finally slowly subsiding to peaceful murmurs of contentment. Playful punches in the arms of fellow congregants is encouraged.

For all other seasons:

Officiant: Houston, we have a problem.

Congregation: What’s the problem?

This is repetitiously repeated repeatedly over and over and over until the officiant stops asking the question, leaving it unanswered.